ScreamFree™ Parenting by Hal Edward Runkel (family therapist), takes you on a journey into the world of parents who lose their cool.

Scream free parenting isn’t always easy, and when we talk about scream free parenting we are not just talking about loud shrieking. Runkel also talks about the negative impact of not just yelling but goes much deeper.

I used to have a very strict parenting style which lead to a lot of battles with my young kids. While I rarely raised my voice I did resort to negative forms of discipline like taking things away, leaving the room or counting to three.

This usually resulted in more tears and stress than was really needed. And I learned that it is possible to have an authoritative parenting style yet still give my kids the breathing room and emotional space they needed.

Scream free parenting taught me to interact with children in a calmer, cool-headed, and supportive way. I’ve learned that perhaps the older parenting methods, like my parents used with me, are not the most effective after all.

While some would regard scream free parenting and giving your kids more emotional space as new age nonsense I have to rate this style of parenting very highly.

At the end of the day my kids are happier and healthier, I’m a lot less stressed which means that the entire household just gets along better. So even if you are sitting on the fence about this style of parenting I really recommend you at least take a look.

If you are not in control of yourself you will never be in control of your family.

First of all, I’d like to introduce my newest audio program:

8 Steps to Connected Parenting

For those of you who want a quick, easy guide to some of the most important aspects of creating connection with your kids, I’ve recorded 8 Steps to Connected Parenting, my audio guide to Conscious Parenting 101. You can check out this audio program (only available in MP3 download) here: http://www.awakeparent.com/8steps/

Although this 45 min. audio program is easily worth $20, I’ve decided to offer it for just $8 because I’m hoping you’ll love it, find it very useful, and tell all your friends about AwakeParent.com.

To give you a taste of what this audio program is about, I’ll share one of the steps with you now…Step 5: Check in and Get Curious

Getting curious is one of the most effective ways to invite people to share their inner worlds with you. When we’re genuinely curious we ask interested questions and people (including children) are compelled to talk with us about what’s going on inside them.

One question to avoid when you want to start a dialogue is “why”. “Why” puts children into conceptual thought and doesn’t get to the heart of the matter. Now besides their initial problem, they’re being asked to figure out the reasons for their discomfort and that only leads to more anxiety and upset.

Instead of asking why, try asking questions about what happened, how she’s feeling, or what sensations she’s noticing in her body. Repeat back what she tells you and ask her to confirm that you’ve gotten it right. This reflection allows kids to correct you if you’re off track and lets them know that you’re really listening and understanding what they’re telling you.

After you’ve repeated and gotten confirmation that you’re hearing your child accurately, ask, “what else?” This phrase is an invitation for whatever else your child wants to share.

Here’s an example of a conversation between John and his mom who is curious and reflective.

M: “So John, how are you feeling?”

J: “I don’t know,” looks away.

M: “Are you feeling upset?”

J: “Yeah, I guess”

M: “So, you’re feeling pretty upset, huh?”

J: “Well, actually, I’m mad at Tom”

M: “Oh, you’re mad at Tom. Is that right?”

J: “Yeah.”

M: “What else?”

J: “Well, he said he’s not my friend anymore and that hurt my feelings.”

M: “Oh, so when Tom said he’s not your friend anymore, your feelings were hurt.”

J: “Yeah.”

At this point Mom might acknowledge John’s feelings, letting him know that it’s OK to feel what he feels and she’s glad he’s shared his inner world with her. This lets John know that his feelings matter and it’s OK to feel exactly what he does. He learns that his mom cares about him and is available to empathize with him. She may ask more questions about what happened with Tom, but she’s careful not to push John or to be overly invasive. She maintains her genuine curiosity throughout the exchange, but is able to let go when John is finished sharing.

Sometimes it’s challenging to remain curious. For instance, if we already think we know what happened, we might assume a child is being deceptive if her story doesn’t match up with what we think we know. But if we can remain curious, and really try to understand her point of view, rather than asserting our own, we become a LOT more available for connection and kids naturally feel more safe, secure, and willing to share. Letting go of our assumptions is a huge key to getting in touch with genuine curiosity.

I’m super curious about your own experiences with checking in and getting curious and how it has created connection (or not) for you.

Please share some of your experiences, or ask follow up questions below. I read every single comment and try to respond to most of them. I really appreciate you being here and hope to see you here week after week.

Have a wonderful day, Shelly

Eight Steps to Connected Parenting Audio Program

Small Parenting Mistakes You May Be Making

Do the adults in your child’s life behave in certain ways that could cause low self-esteem? You might be surprised by what seems “innocent”.

Shelly talks about the eight steps to connected parenting. Audio program includes transcript and bonus teleseminar.

For more information, click here…

No friends like old friends.

I was talking with a friend the other day, who marveled at how her whole friendship landscape had changed after having kids. She said, “I have three kinds of friends now: Those who no longer call me, those who treat me exactly the same as before I had kids, and those who now have kids of their own, so they get it.”

Sure, we might find the rare childless friend who actually gets how much support parents need and how little we get, who says, Hey, I was just going to read a good book tonight, why don’t I come over and babysit so you can have a night out? Or, the kid-at-heart who calls and spontaneously suggests you and your family hop on out for a jaunt to the zoo or seaquarium.

But mostly, after we become parents, our old friends keep going on about their business, and we either follow along, or drop out of their consciousness.

How do we keep those friendships alive, and nurture the parts of us old friends remember and reflect back to us? No matter how much we love our families, no one will ever elicit quite the giggles and nostalgia that a friend from ten, fifteen or twenty years ago will.

Here’re some ways to keep breathing life into those precious relationships:

1) Tell your childless friends about the reality of your life. Suggest things to do that you love in ways that now make sense for you.

“I would love to go on that four-day, seven hundred dollar spa retreat two states away, but I can’t afford the money or the time away from my family. How about a pedicure Sunday morning?” Some of my friends have responded by turning their own events into child-friendly ones and inviting other families with children. This makes it so much easier!

Commit to Old Friend Time—then make it happen!

If you have to beg, buy, borrow or steal babysitting, get away with those who know you best, and let them help you remember the old you. Whether it’s hiking, shopping, reminiscing, or going to the movies, pick up the activities you used to love to do before you had kids, and connect with the folks you used to do them with. It will help you feel more rejuvenated and whole, and you’ll have that much more excitement and energy to bring to your family.

I try to see my best friends at least once a week. If it gets beyond two weeks, by the time I get around to connecting, it’s like a huge drink of water after being parched. It’s so wonderful to remember things like, Oh, yes, I do still have a (an adult) sense of humor!

Invite old friends to combined kid-grownup activities (See Eight ways to party like it’s 2009). This way you can have your cake and eat your cupcakes, too. Yes, it’s a different party now. You and your old friends will get to rock out in new ways.

Ask for help. Sometimes childless friends are daunted, bewildered, envious, or dealing with other feelings that make it hard to connect with you now that you’re a parent. If you can show some vulnerability and reach out to let your friends know you’d still like to lean on them from time to time, it can give them a way to plug in to you and your new routine. “Hey, would you like to stop by an hour or two before the party? I could use some help with setup and it would be great to get some alone time with you.” Or invite your childless friend to come see your child perform or play a sport.

Not everyone wants to or can handle continuing a friendship when just one of you starts a family. But with a little creativity and gentle prodding, you may well find that there’s still a good deal more available in those old friendships than meets the eye.

How have your old friendships fared now that you’re a parent? I’d love to hear about it in the comment box below.

Love and hugs,

Jill

Jill Nagle is a family mediator that co-writes Awake Parent
Perspectives, an online newsletter chockful of parenting tips.

They recently released an audio program that deals with tantrums.
Find out
more by clicking here.

I know it sounds like an outrageous claim, but the truth is that kids always have a positive intention behind EVERY action. Even when he’s smearing peanut butter all over your computer keyboard, or convincing his little sister to eat dog food he has a positive intention. And when she’s cutting her hair, coloring on the walls with crayons, or purposely waking up the baby, even then, she has a positive intention.

Kids, just like the rest of us, are just trying to get their needs met. They may not always have the most effective strategies for getting what they want, but they’re always doing their best and responding to the world around them.

When we can assume a positive intention and even try to discover what that intention might be, suddenly we can move from feeling angry and exasperated, “Why in the WORLD would she DO that?!” to a state of compassion and understanding. “Oh, I see, she was needing some excitement and stimulation, so she woke up the baby to play with him.”

When we’re aware of the underlying needs behind our children’s seemingly bizarre behavior, we can start to empathize with them and teach them better strategies that will actually get them what they want. But first we have to learn to breathe and take a moment BEFORE we react.

Right now, imagine the most frustrating thing your child has done in the past week or so. Remember how you responded. Now, consider, what might be the positive intention behind your child’s actions? Imagine yourself in a similar situation in the future. Is there a way you could have responded that would have created more connection and understanding between you and your child?

Let’s try the “Assume a positive intention” technique:

You see your child doing something that makes your heart race and your mind jump to all sorts of troubling conclusions. You decide to implement assuming a positive intention behind all actions. First you breathe, then you think, “What could the positive intention behind this action be?,” then you come up with some idea, you check in with your child, “Sweetie, were you really wanting to see what why I won’t let you have food near the computer? Are you needing some more information and understanding about that? Were you enjoying the feeling of the peanut butter on your hands?”

Your child feels heard, understood, and maybe a little bit confused about why you’re not screaming at the top of your lungs yet. Now’s your chance to calmly let your child know how you feel about the strategy he’s chosen. Be sure to use the words “I feel” and then an actual emotion. “I feel worried when I see my computer caked with peanut butter, I’m not sure it will work any more and computers cost a lot of money, so now I might not have a computer any more. I feel sad about that.”

And finally, assuming you’ve kept your cool, your child should be ready for some learning! So now you get to share a new strategy for next time. “What could you do next time instead of putting peanut butter on my computer? Could you ask me about why I don’t allow food near it? Could you ask me for a cracker to smear peanut butter on? What do you think?”

I would love to hear your stories about the wild things your kids have done, how you’ve handled it, and what you think about the idea of assuming a positive intention as a way to practice understanding and compassion with children. Please leave me a comment! Hugs, Shelly

Parent coach Shelly Birger offers parenting tips, help and classes – Subscribe to our newsletter today for a free audio. Click Here Now!